Everybody Poops

Okay. So I don’t know how you feel about pooping, but I have a daily poop fact calendar, I love a good bathroom joke, and am a firm believer that everyone should have at least one great pooping story (you’re about to hear mine). However, performing the actual act is something entirely different. I am a lady after all, and I like to be inconspicuous.

At Eladio’s there were only two toilets for all 30 of us and they were right in the middle of everything. Given that we were already living on top of each other, there was absolutely zero privacy, everyone knew what you were doing “in there”. So needless to say, my bowels got a little stage fright…for the entire time we were there. Rough times my friends, rough times.

Julia--my logging look out

So back to the hike. Julia and I are walking along enjoying nature when all of a sudden, nature calls. Having been a camper all my life, the act of pooping in the woods is totally a non-issue for me. I found a secluded spot, a friendly looking leaf, and settled in. Julia was playing lookout in a concealed spot near the trail, so when all of a sudden I saw her arm shoot up from her bush (our agreed upon signal) I panicked. The group that had been hiking behind us rounded the bend and I could see them clear as day. Secluded my foot! Being mid-act there was really nothing I could do, except pray that the pooping jokes wouldn’t be too cruel for the rest of the semester. No one from the group called out to Julia or I, and soon they were out of view. Praying to Jesus that they didn’t see me (and hoping not too many mosquitoes had made a feast out of my vulnerable tush) I continued down the trail feeling lighter on my feet than ever.

Hiking with a spring in my step!

The next 2 hours of my life were some of the most hellish I’ve ever experienced—hiking up a steep hill with no flat portions and a 30lb pack on my hips. Never have I ever been so thankful for my swim practice training that enabled me to just zone out through the pain and push through, stopping for water occasionally and to curse out the mountain with the most colorful Spanish that I know. I have never had a tastier Milky Way than the one I rewarded myself with at the top. After that giant uphill climb, Julia and I made quick work of the rest of the flat/downhill hike and quickly arrived at our next host research station—Pocosol. Rejoicing, we walked up to the large, log-cabin-style station, simultaneously trying to remove our packs and tear off our wet hiking boots. Our quick-hiker friends greeted us from the hammocks on the balcony that overlooked the mountains we’d just hiked over—

“Hey look everyone, it’s the lost girls!”

“Oh guys! Come quick, it’s the mystery hikers!”

“Moncho! Emily and Julia are alive!” (Moncho is our TA, first aid man, and expert hiker.)

We were offended. Sure, we had taken our time up the big hill and were one of the last groups to arrive, but we weren’t that slow! Jokes about us being lost and dead were entirely uncalled for! I was about to get my sassy pants on and chew everyone out when I was side tackled/hugged by my friend Jake, who had been in the group that interrupted my bowel movement.

“Oh my god, I thought you guys were lost forever! You were in front of me, and then I hiked faster and made it to the front group and I never passed you guys. I thought you walked over a cliff or missed the trail marker or I don’t even know! Moncho and I hiked that hill twice looking for you! Where were you?!” He said all of this faster than I’ve ever spoken in my life. Which is saying something—just ask my mother, I can talk fast.

“Um Jake,” I started hesitantly, “you didn’t see me when you passed us by the stream?”

“No! You saw me? Why didn’t you say anything!?” he stopped hugging me and grabbed my shoulders, staring straight into my eyeballs. By this time the whole group had gathered around

“Well…um…you see…” I stuttered, until Julia nudged me. I sighed, “Guys, I was just poopin' in the woods!”

The group dissolved in to fits of laughter. Jake socked me in the shoulder, and the night was spent sharing the World’s Greatest Poop Stories, according to us.